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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25668826">better off without me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney'>MaddieandChimney</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, tw: mentions of blood, tw: mentions of stabbing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 04:13:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,802</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25668826</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Maddie decides it's time for her to leave L.A after everything that happened between her and Chimney and Doug.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Madney One-Shots</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>better off without me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s for the best, that’s what Maddie keeps trying to tell herself.</p><p>It’s been almost two months since she and Chimney had decided to take a minute but she couldn’t actually see a way out of it. And she couldn’t blame him, he had his own things going on, things she probably shouldn’t know about but Buck was never able to hide anything from her. Her fingers had hovered over Chimney’s name on her contact list so many times but she couldn’t shake the feeling of overwhelming guilt that consumed her.</p><p>The kind of things going on in his life were the kind of things she should be there for, the things she <em>wanted</em> to be there for but there was this wall stuck between the two of them and she couldn’t get through it. It didn’t seem to matter how desperate she was to see him and talk to him like they used to. Maddie had wanted to ask him how being Captain was for him (especially after hearing how much Buck was moaning about the experience) and then when she heard about Shannon dying, of course, she had thought about reaching out but when she had opened up her messages, only to see those familiar speech bubbles on his side appearing and disappearing for at least three hours before nothing was sent, she hadn’t.</p><p>Maddie still wonders what he had wanted to say to her, even a week later.</p><p>It’s not just him though, she feels as though she’s lost everyone at the 118 – only Athena had reached out to her since everything that had happened. And really, she couldn’t blame them – Hen’s loyalties lied with Chimney, Eddie was Buck’s person and Bobby… well, she got the sense he was more than a little protective of Chimney. It didn’t matter how hard she tried, or how much Buck told her that she was more than welcome at the station for family meals, or how he tried to force her to come to Eddie’s with him or even how many times Athena invited her over for one of their regular get-togethers, it was stuck inside her head. Chimney could have died, and quite simply… he wouldn’t have been in that position if she hadn’t asked him on a date.</p><p>Chimney would have been just fine without her in his life and he would be absolutely fine if she were just gone. And Buck? He had been without her since he was eleven years old, they hadn’t even spoken in the three years before she arrived at his place, he’d proven himself more than capable of not needing his big sister around.</p><p>Maddie wipes at the tears falling down her face as she carefully folds a pair of jeans, tucking them into the almost packed suitcase as she takes a breath. There’s a knock on her door, pulling her from her thoughts and pausing her movements as she glances over. She thinks about ignoring it for a second but then the knocking seems to get a little more frantic, she throws the top she had been holding back onto the pile of clothes, slowly moving to open the door.</p><p>“Ho—Chimney?” She stops the name falling from her lips, somehow feeling unworthy of uttering it. He looks tired, dark circles beneath his eyes, his face a little gaunt, his eyes haunted. It breaks her heart, the tension in her stomach rising when she remembers why she’s leaving in the first place – perhaps he would have been okay, or at least better, if he had never met her.</p><p>“Buck said you haven’t replied to his texts all day, he was gonna swing by but…” He bites his lip and she can sense the nerves, watching as he shifts awkwardly from one foot the other. Maddie remembers the first time she had opened the door to him, how he had been so nervous but at least he had smiled. Things would never be the same, Doug had stolen so much from them.</p><p>It’s out of character but when she hasn’t replied, and her grip drops from the door in semi-shock that he’s standing in front of her, Chimney invites himself in. He takes a breath as though he’s trying to gather the courage to say something to her until his eyes settle on the half-packed suitcase and he quickly turns back around to face her. “Are you going on vacation?”</p><p>The hope in his voice is almost enough for her to just say yes, she is and leave it at that. But she’s never been all that good at lying to him, not even from the beginning. When this virtual stranger looked at her with that kindness in his eyes and the trace of a smile on his lips, she had found herself pouring her feelings out in a way she never thought possible. Maddie had grown accustomed to lying and to hiding a massive part of her life throughout her time in Hershey, so being open with someone was foreign and yet… Chimney just offered her a level of security that shouldn’t have been plausible after everything that had happened.</p><p>“I-I’m leaving.” She whispers, all of the certainty she had felt in her decision completely gone just because he’s there in front of her.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>Her response is almost as quick as his question had been, “Why not?”</p><p>“I thought—I-I thought we were taking a minute? How… if you leave—” He trails off with a frown, “You have a life here, I thought you wanted to make a life here. You have Buck and your friends at dispatch, you have a job, do you not like your job anymore? We can look into getting you back into nursing if that’s what you want, now that—” Now that’s free to stop looking over her shoulder? Maddie takes a breath, trying to imagine herself working in a hospital and dealing with people face-to-face and somehow, it still doesn’t seem possible. She wants to help people, more than anything but the thought of that physical contact, that level of vulnerability in being left alone with a patient or even having to see a person trust her so much… it just doesn’t seem possible.</p><p>Maddie takes a breath, clenching her fists to try and stop the way her hands are trembling and her resolve starts to break. Tears sting her eyes but she refuses to let them fall, even though it causes a crushing tension in her chest and a lump to grow in her throat. “You’re better off without me. You all are. You could have died and that would have hurt so many people, I just… you haven’t even known me that long and I’ve already put you through hell.”</p><p>“<em>You </em>haven’t put me through anything, you’re not responsible for anything Doug did. I’m the one who made friends with him, I’m the one who put you in danger.” He doesn’t hold back his tears, and she can see how his own fists start to curl up on themselves as he thinks about it, an anger flashing in his eyes she imagines is only directed at himself.</p><p>She lets out a small laugh, shaking her head, “So… it’s okay for you to blame yourself but not for me?” There’s nothing else she can say in response – all of the arguments she holds for why what happened was definitely not Chimney’s fault can be thrown back at her in the exact same way. Doug was psychopath, he loved Maddie in his own way, in his own terrifying version of love she never wanted to experience again. He’d have done anything to get her back or to have her all to himself, he had proven that time and time again. The difference between her guilt and Chimney’s though, was that she had known what Doug was capable of. She had known there was a high likelihood he would find her and hurt her, or someone she loved.</p><p>“Stay, Maddie. This is your home, Buck needs you… I need you.”</p><p>When he steps towards her, she remains still, fighting the urge inside of her to step back. His hands reach out for hers and she finds herself placing her hands in his upon instinct, her thumb brushing along the back of his hand. “I’m sorry for putting you in that position, that you got hurt… you could have died. I thought you were dead.”</p><p>Her eyes don’t meet his, instead, she focuses on the way her hands seem to fit so perfectly in his, how his touch is so gentle and loving. “Don’t stay for me, Maddie, stay for yourself. Where would you go? Somewhere you’re going to be alone so you can keep telling yourself that everything that happened was all your fault? You need friends, you need family and that’s what you have here. Trust me, you won’t get through anything without a bunch of people who love you and you have that here.”</p><p>His hand drops from hers, only to tuck some hair behind her ear as he bites down on his lip, his hand finally moving beneath her chin to tilt her head up, forcing her to look up. “Do you think you could ever forgive me?” She whispers, bottom lip trembling when the tears finally fall and he quickly shakes his head.</p><p>“There’s nothing to forgive you for, just… let people back in, Maddie. Don’t give up.”</p><p>She hates how right he is, knowing if she left LA there really would be nowhere for her to go, she’d be alone again. And she had felt alone for so long, she wasn’t sure she was ready to go back to that. “I hate it here, I hate this apartment, I hate the building—I can’t…”</p><p>“Then come to mine, we’ll watch a movie, order some takeout.” Maddie can tell he’s uncomfortable there, too, she imagines him walking past the brick still stained with his own blood and she tries to ignore the surge of self-hatred that runs through her because yet again, it was her fault that he had to make the first move, he’s the one who had to extend the olive branch because she hadn’t known how to.</p><p>Despite her thoughts, she still finds herself wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her head on his shoulder. “Just like old times.”</p><p>She isn’t looking at him but she can hear the smile in his voice, and feel the comfort when his arms wrap around her and her body is pulled tightly against his, “Exactly, just like old times. But <em>better</em> because I found a new Chinese restaurant that do the best spring rolls you’ll ever taste.”</p><p>“With hot mustard?”</p><p>“With all of the hot mustard you could ever ask for.”</p>
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